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Rabbi Gordon's Monthly Message

Seder Leaders

I don’t recall exactly when I led my first seder, but surely it began around my Bar Mitzvah.  Before then, at my grandparents’ apartment on the Lower East Side, I remember the special dishes and goblets lining the extended dining tables and the large family gathering, where each person stood and recited Kiddush (a tradition that I maintain).  At my aunt and uncle’s home on Long Island, I remember “davening” the seder in Hebrew, and about 20 minutes later (or so it seemed), we were ready to eat. 

As the oldest (and day-school educated) child, leading the seder became my responsibility.  And I loved it.  However, things didn’t exactly work according to design.  One family member felt I took too long.  Why did we have to do EVERYTHING?  Hurry!  The meal was the main thing.  Another family member felt I was skipping too much, rushing it, and not really doing it correctly.  You, too?

Year after year, I felt that my love of the seder and leading it was being eroded by the pressures to please everyone.   Finally, in my 20’s, I had had enough.  I informed my family that I would attend the seder of another relative, one where harmony reined.  Then I got a call.  The one who urged rushing to the meal was unhappy that I would not be there.   Then came another call.  The one who felt I was skipping too much pleaded with me to reconsider.  Without me, he was afraid of an especially unpleasant seder.  But I held my ground.  You can’t please everyone, so sometimes it’s time to move on.

So, what is a good seder?  First, it is halachicly correct.  No chametz, of course.   Furthermore, we are halachicly required to recite Kiddush over wine (four cups in all), recite berachot for karpas (green vegetable), two for matzah (the mitzvah, and bread-like food), and for maror (yes, maror too) and n’tilat yadayim.  So, too, are we to praise God with Hallel for His deliverance, thank Him for our food, and then thank the family and friends who prepared it. 

The Magid section (retelling of the Pesach narrative) is also a mitzvah.  But here we can and should be flexible.  It is vital that we understand the events and meaning, that we broaden and deepen our knowledge of them.  Some seders may invest serious time, provoke deep and controversial discussion, explore and analyze texts, incorporate supplemental material—all to enhance the meaning of the night.  Others may briefly touch upon the events, recounting only the basic narrative.    Above all, the Magid component should fit the company.  Avoid being timid; aim to stimulate and elevate the seder—even short modern poems for kids and adults enrich a seder.  A little preparation can go a long way. 

Music makes the evening festive and enjoyable and is a great way to involve children and grandchildren of all ages.  Try to sing the Kiddush, and chant the mah-nishtanah and melodic pieces of Hallel and the Birkat Ha-mazon; aim for an upbeat dayenu, concluding songs, and any of the sections that can be sung.  Adding modern songs and melodies is a bonus. 

Some boast about the length of their seders and others may measure a successful seder by the meal alone.  But enduring quality is a better measure.  Halachic commitment is a powerful bond; narrative that is faithful to the night’s messages, yet tailored to your gathering, will make your seder enduring.  

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